Those videos. The quick, hyper-lapsed, super-easy, “Wow, that looks delicious” videos. We all know them. They take simple ingredients which are on your grocery list anyway and just make something yummy in a matter of 30-60 seconds. Naturally, you want to eat all the foods, and think “Hey, I can do that…a pinch, a saute, a flip, a bake, done!” So why not try them? What they don’t tell you in these quick videos is that the amount of cheese will have adverse affects on your quasi-lactose intolerant significant other, and well, cheese can become overdone, and the dish? Icky.
When your obsession with viral videos prompts you to make them into a reality, you INSTANTLY regret that decision.
Fascinated by these videos (and scrolling on Facebook for HOURS just to watch them play one right after the other), I took a personal stand and said “Why the hell not?” I put it out there in the Facebook Universe (cause if it’s not on Facebook, it’s not official), “2017: the year I’m going to cook recipes from Facebook videos…” Oh snap. Now it’s real. People immediately started commenting and sending me recipes, tagging me in videos, and clearly planned my meals for the next month and a half. (I’m sure I was tagged in more but I lost count).
Within 3 hours of posting, I get a face-time call from my mom. Thinking the call was to see the baby, naturally, I put the camera facing him, and let her just watch. Instead the conversation went something like this:
“Clare, let’s do a challenge.”
Oh great…this will be good.
“Let’s do a cook-off and see who does it better.”
What? What are you talking about? Cook off of what?
“Those recipes! Like what you posted on facebook!”
Wait, that was a personal thing for me, a goal to accomplish.
“Yeah, but how fun. Let’s do: Who cooked it best?”
Was I crazy? What was I thinking? Deceivingly easy, yet insanely frustrating.
So now I had to cook on demand. And I was apparently tagged (still need to teach mom how to do that) in a comment thread saying “Clare, dinner tonight!” So I had to call her back and ask what the heck I was cooking. Turns out, it was some sort of soup. Okay, soup, it’s January, it’s damp and rainy, I’m down for that. And based on the video, I kind of like the things in the soup, and I can disguise the ½ and ½ and focus on overloading the veggies (I used more spinach than recommended). Okay…
I had to weave my large shopping cart in and out of the narrow produce section full of dazed and confused shoppers who haphazardly left their carts in the middle of the aisle while they were gallivanting around, debating between a Russet or a Fingerling potato. Or not realizing that white onions and sweet Vidalia onions are different. And don’t even get me started on the different bagged leaves…so I was already flustered and overwhelmed before I even purchased the goods. Great. This dinner better be freakin’ delicious, I didn’t even make it to the deli without wanting to cry.
Men who food shop: Move your carts over to sides of the aisle. Grocery Store Carts are not as easy to maneuver in a 6 inch open gap.
After a near meltdown in the meat department in the quietest corner of the store, the back storeroom doors open with U-Boats of more food. Cause, why not unload the truck the SECOND it arrives and the store is swarming with pre-apocalyptic frenzied shoppers? Why not throw empty broken down cardboard boxes of pasta sauce onto the middle of the already crowded pasta aisle? (Which, by the way, IS NOT THE AISLE GNOCCHI IS ON…I found that out the hard way). So by the time I hit up the frozen food aisle, I was exhausted. Onto the checkout line…ugh
“This dinner better be worth it.” And “we are never shopping here again.” (Did I mention, I dragged the boys with me? Yep. The hubs, the stroller, and the 8 month old). I kept justifying “We came at the wrong time! I will come by myself next time.” As we navigated our caravan to the check out, of course EVERYONE IN THE STORE was also waiting in line. I almost just abandoned the cart with the hopes that a stranger would just buy all the ingredients and cook dinner at their house for me and let me know. Keep dreaming, Clare.
I blacked out. I think the boys went to the car, the parking lot was just as bad as the store. I had to ask the person in line behind me what day it was- I felt like it was the Wendesday before Thanksgiving! I think I was getting texts from a Jamberry customer, I was focused on this damn dinner and making sure the ingredients were in my cart. The boys texted asking where I was. (Was I imagining they were with me the whole time?!) I am pretty sure I forgot stuff. I just wanted to scream loud.