Dear Summer Concert Fashion,

I’m old.  I’ll be the first to admit the fact that this 28.75 year old newly minted 1st time momma is old.  But I have to ask, what happened?  Have I been that out of touch with reality?  Granted, I used to have a fashion blog, but never did I see this coming.  I may have been going to the same summer concert tour for the past 16 years, but never did the show amount to this.  My age is apparent, but as a former “wanna be fashion blogger” I also must step in and ask:

“What is happening to summer concert fashion?”

Thank you, Jessica Simpson for reigniting the Daisy Duke shorts phase back in 2005.  I LOVED the idea of short shorts – especially 11 years ago in high school and I had killer legs, and would rock a bathing suit all day due to extensive life guarding.  What a genius re-ignition of a great 1970s trend.  But 11 years ago, did anyone anticipate that the shorts would elongate their pockets so they awkwardly hang out?  Or how the waist would also become high waisted so they legitimately look like a denim diaper with perpetual camel toe, regardless of body shape/size?

And since those shorts are so high and tight, how do you keep anything in your pockets?  The front pockets would look weird if you had an iPhone hanging out, and the back pockets are too curved to accommodate a flat electronic device. But wait, you’re probably too busy “snapping” the backs of others’ heads at the concert….

Have we also embraced the underside of our buttocks too much?  Only Forrest Gump can walk around with a bandage on his buttocks…

I thought “underboob and sideboob” were the new trends.  I love my body, but I do not want to expose others to my cottage cheese/lumpy/varicose veined underbutt.  Plus, exposing said area brings back flashbacks to a personal tanning booth incident gone wrong… and Ross on “Friends”  (MISSISSIPPI-LY?!)

When I was little my mom cut our jeans into shorts for summer since we weren’t ready for the next waist size, our genetically long limbs were just too fast for our hips…only then did I view cut offs as acceptable…What if someone/something caught your threads and pulled?  Would the shorts unravel?  And are you ready to expose more than just underbutt?

Tell me you’re wearing some sort of underwear….

When did the easy way of saving money by cutting jeans into shorts with threading hanging become a trend? Did the tattered trend comeback?   Oh right.  It didn’t make a comeback.  Instead we are just too lazy and spend an overabundance of money on shorts you clearly could have made yourself…

I’m all for the idea of the old school crop tops.  As long said shirt is paired with the high waisted shorts, a la Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You. There’s a little mystique to the ensemble.  Meaning the top and shorts don’t quite overlap, but there’s just enough skin exposed to have an awkward tan line if you were in the sun all day.  Did I miss this memo?  Are we wearing bras as shirts now?  Or a fancy version of a sports bra?  We’d rather wear bras that have  lace strip underneath or over to “classify” this as a shirt.

Yep.  Totally makes sense to me.  Instead of covering up the underboob tanline,we now are exposing this too?

Am I sounding old yet?  

To cover my lumpy butt, and the flabby post-partum arms, the loose kimono has replaced a bulky cardigan.  I’m a fan of the florals, the tribals, even solid kimonos.  Paired with a bathing suit, you’re ready for a day at the beach.  Or with black leggings and a black tank, and heels,  you’re in business.  But with tassels and the tatters of the denim fake daisy dukes?  That’s too much tassel hassle.

Flowers crowns?  Are you trying to have that #nofilter Snapchat filter face going all the time?  If your flower crown is DIY, more than likely it’s going to fall off when you keep taking off/putting on your oversized aviator sunglasses, while balancing your smartphone in the other hand. Flower crowns are fun, but with the kimono, the tassels, the non-tanned exposed skin, and the aviators, it’s not working.

You’re seen from afar- adjusting your makeshift cameltoe by awkwardly bending your knees out, lifting an ankle, tugging with one hand on your crotch, while holding the phone in the other, which is balancing on the flower crown so the aviators don’t fall off during the awesome SnapStory you’re working on.

So now you’re all dressed for a summer concert that you’re probably too young for anyway.  The band has been touring for the past 25 summers, and you, at 16 now finally join in?  Welcome.  And thanks for taking the focus of the old time hippies (you know when hemp dresses were a thing in the early 2000s…) and the organic movement, to a materialistic, commericalized “sponsored by snapchat” experience.  The band members are old enough to be your fathers, why wear the bra and threaded shorts when they’re too busy focusing on what they set out to do 25 years ago – serve as a jam band.  Not a walking billboard for a wanna-be Cochella.  Research Farmaid, other festivals the band plays, revert to the organic, comfortable, cotton, loose “be who you are” fashion of the indie movement.

Remember the roots of the band.  Remember how they don’t wear labels, they are indie, they don’t promote high fashion, they’re a “come as you are” group.  And that’s the atmosphere us older, modestly dressed folks fell in love with.  Have a few beers (not a whole case or a “shit ton of jello shots”) in the parking lot before hand, and enjoy yourself.  Relax, listen to music.  There was, or no need to  be worrying about the SnapStory, the flower crowns, perfectly straight hair, and the awkward cameltoe that is BOUND to happen.

I acknowledge the ever changing fashion industry.  I acknowledge that social media has come to dictate how we dress, and “If it’s not on Snapchat or Instagram it didn’t even happen.”  I’m guilty of posting a few things on “the gram,” but I’ve also come to learn that sometimes, some things are better left to the imagination and memory.

Love,

Clare

An embarrassed failed former fashion blogger